ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
You Might Also Like
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.