Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
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I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.