Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
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My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
WHO DID THIS?
He just like my cat fr
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Why is this me 😫
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Check your privilege
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E