This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
You Might Also Like
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Its true…
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*