A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
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You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
The Joker was right
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.