Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
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I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Me, in DM rooms…
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.