If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
You Might Also Like
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege