In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
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You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!