Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
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[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.