This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
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Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”