ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
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Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes