“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
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My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.