An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks