[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
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Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation