I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
termite twitter scares me
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????