her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
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Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
all that yoga finally paid off
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Happy birthday to all the women
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
cyclists
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.