[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
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This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.