Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
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Banana is the quietest snack
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea