People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
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My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?