The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
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I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.