I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
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Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
i really liked this one
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream