The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
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My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
S/o to @funTweeters .
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.