When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
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Spotted in New Orleans.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Festive toon…
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*