My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Monday?
No. Next question.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.