Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
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[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.