the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
You Might Also Like
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down