My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
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Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.