agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
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I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.