Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
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My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died