When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
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FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Thursday Thought.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.