I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheeseš³ and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
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Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
The worst part of eating dessert is when itās interrupted by the nagging thought that itās not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Halloween is the best because itās the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god nā
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you canāt. If youād rather run me over with a car thatās cool. Are you mad at me?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Thanks to a fan for this one.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Funny how āIt just brokeā was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Unfortunately, Superman wonāt be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He wonāt go near the crypt tonight.
This is so funny you canāt even be mad LOL