*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
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I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping