I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
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A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I’ve had relationships like this
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?