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Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.