People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
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My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”