I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
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The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.