“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
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Spider-cat: No One Home
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
what the
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.