i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
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Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath