One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
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Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it