Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
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When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair