Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
You Might Also Like
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?