This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
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Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
welp
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that