My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
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Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.