Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
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Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
The prophecy is fulfilled
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle