Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
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Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.