My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
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Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.