[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
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*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
What my back needs
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*