me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
choose your fighter
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.