The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
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16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Danger is very dangerous
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
A great tip. #CakeRex
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know