As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
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“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Bartenders are just boneless bars
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Noah was an idiot.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?